This last 14 months have been the hardest and darkest I have ever had in my life. I wish I could say it was only me, but it wasn't. My childrens' hearts also felt the highs and lows in their own souls and bodies and the conflict within has been paralyzing at times. I haven't blogged since last September when we left Ellensburg to seek refuge and protection and healing in Snohomish with my parents. I shut our old family blog down because it was being used against me, the heart and soul that went into that blog, and it ended up being the very thing that was used to hurt me.
There are details that aren't necessary to share, but I do feel the need to clarify it wasn't because "I wasn't happy". I was abused in multiple ways for 15 years by the very person who vowed to love and honor and protect me for the rest of my life, he decided not to keep that vow. I don't want to dwell on that part of our story because it is behind us and I so desperately want to go forward. I read somewhere that you can't move forward if you are looking behind you because that is not where you are headed.....wow. Let us call that profound...or at least I can:)
There are times that I sit down and it hits me that this is my life now, that what I fought so hard to want to be there, wasn't. That I had failed....somehow....and it was my fault. IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
I am not the woman that I was 13 months ago, I am stronger now. Not healed or perfectly fine....but stronger, and right now, at this very moment, it sits well with me. It might not in 15 minutes or an hour from now, but right now it does, and I will try to remind myself that the feeling will go away, and hopefully soon. I vacillate back and forth so dramatically as though on a carnival ride that it takes the breath right out of my lungs and leaves me feeling as though I have been punched and I can't catch my breath. On the outside, maybe it shows, maybe it doesn't, but the feeling is there regardless.
I have discovered that I am a very stubborn and guarded woman, and I am not sure if that is a good thing or just out of shear survival mode that I am still in. Perhaps, if you asked my mom or dad, they would laugh and say "you are just now seeing that?!".....I guess I am starting to see it now more than I ever have. My mom has always told me when I was little that I was stubborn but I would do it with a smile and act like I didn't do anything.....I would like to think she is making that part up about me....but one can't ignore the truth forever:) I see those qualities and many others in my own children, so it's coming full circle....what a fool I have been!
This blog will be about our new journey, our highs and lows, but we will do it together and do it healthy with no abuse and no fear and less anxiety...like how I said "less anxiety"....I can't put my head in the sand all the time! It will pictures, share adventures and probably a lot of soul searching and journaling in a way.
This will be raw and real, that I promise you:)
I look forward to starting this new journey and writing about it and sharing it with you.
